What no one will say but we're all doing it.

8-29-09

At my house we are not allowed to use the "F" word. When I say "F" I am not referring to the vulgar word commonly used in cursing. I mean the four letter word used to describe what happens when gaseous explosions come from the rear of your body. It is not a word we use to describe our actions or sounds or smells. In fact we don't talk about any function that might happen in the toilet area. That porcelain god remains very quiet in my house. Everyone goes about their "business" in very discrete ways.

This being said I am about to reveal a very embarrassing fact about myself. I do it only to make your day a little funnier and to expose you all as hypocrites because you do it too. You know what I am talking about. I am talking about the F word. Some people are very blatant in their approach to the relief of their vapors. Just this afternoon my nephew did it to me (of course he is only 3 months old so who can blame him). Other people are very discrete. I am one of the "others". So one day I was at work and I was feeling a little pent up. There was no one in the room so I decided give my colon a little freedom. You know how when you were younger-or maybe even now pending your maturity- you used to have belching contests? I remember that sometimes I would drink a bunch of coke and think I had a really good one coming and nothing came out. The opposite was also true. Sometimes I would win the contest off a really big burp I wasn't even expecting. Well I was not expecting the sound that came from me on this particular day. I was at my desk typing at the computer trying to liberate the extra air in my digestive area when I hear a sound I have never heard come from my body. Have you ever held a balloon that you blew up very tight at the top and just let the air squeeze through a tiny little opening? It makes the cry of a screaming banshee. I made that very same cry the other day only it didn't come from my mouth. Oh now, don't you act all self-righteous. You do it too and you know it. You know that you do it out in public where you think no one else is standing but then someone walks up and sniffs and stares in your direction. You do it in the grocery isle while pondering home much fiber intake you should have in your cereal all the while wondering if it is the fiber causing the other problem in the first place. You do it and blame it on other people too. The shared bathroom at work is always where you say "it was like that when I went in." You have no right to judge me. I only did it the one time, that banshee episode. I was just told about all those other things that people do. Yeah, I was told (good thing you can't see my shifty eyes right now). I guess I should, I mean we all should start owning up to it. We all do it, right? I am just going to start carrying some air freshener in my purse and spray it when the wind changes direction and apologize to passerbys. That will at least relieve some of the guilt I feel about that time...no I can't tell you that story. You will just have to imagine it, because you know you do it too.

Have a blessed evening and thanks for reading my 7th blog.